That Sinking Feeling

Truth is the hand that grabs you and pulls you up.

Last week I went through a battle with self-doubt.  It was intense.  I thought I’d blown it.  I thought the last years of research and writing was for nothing and I should have not immersed myself that way.  That I should have fought to take better care of my home and worked even harder with my business.  Because, at least there, there would be something better to show for it all.  I began to believe what I thought I was called to do really wasn’t, and didn’t matter.  I was mad.  Mad at myself, and more. 

I knew the anger and frustration was Enemy related.  I know that sense of coming down on myself wasn’t what Jesus would have wanted or how He thought of me and so I believed I was in the midst of what Joyce Meyer coined, “The Battlefield of the Mind.” 

I was down.  Big- time doubting.  I even mentioned it to a friend that I felt I had a lost call.

Praying and trying to worship God, I felt distant. It was like I was far away or He was.  I was mad. I was scared and I had lost hope.   

I had to get on the water.  I needed time with God someway, someplace that I felt He was and I’d notice.  I jumped into our boat by myself and started riding down the river.  I asked God to, “Please, show me You!”   “Show me You are with me!”

That’s when it started.  I began to tell Him how mad I was.  How hurt I was that nothing turned out the way I thought it would have.  I told Him that I felt like I wasted all of my time.  When I got it off my chest, I started to feel better.  I saw some beautiful sunrays burst out from behind clouds. 

I began to sing a song out loud, “He Lives,” a fish jumped up right beside me.  An eagle flew over that I initially ignored, until it called out and I looked up.  It circled me a few times as I sang out loud while moving upstream again.  I felt so much better.  There’s something I have always loved when it seems other creatures join in with me and interact, especially in times of praising Jesus.

God was touching my heart and replacing the hurt, loss and anger with peace, pleasure and joy.

That evening, I had some quiet time with the LORD.  In that time He opened my eyes. 

He let me know that the anger, sorrow and loss hope towards Him began when I doubted.  His plan and promise has never changed.  It was me who had.  I had doubted. 

Remembering Peter, as he wanted to join Jesus while walking on the water, he initially could until he looked around himself and he became afraid.  Jesus’ response to Peter as he sank, was a hand that pulled him up as He asked, “Why did you doubt?”

 

Matthew 14:29-31

And He said, "Come!" And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, "Lord, save me!" 31 Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said to him, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?”

It hit home.  I had called out in truth and Jesus gave me His hand and pulled me back up and showed me my doubt through His perfect truth.

The LORD also opened my eyes to His desire to have me be completely open and honest with Him in the way I am feeling.  That getting it out there in front of Him, even though He already knows it, helps me to acknowledge the truth of my heart.

 When I see it fully, He has full access to free me fully and heal me fully. We are in a whole and functional relationship when I come to Him in fullness of truth.

He did it with the Woman at the Well when she admitted to the truth of her life’s situation to Him.  She received the fullness of knowing Jesus as Messiah and Living Water.  The Woman with the issue of blood confessed her whole truth.  She received peace and healing and encouragement for her faith.

Psalm 43:3  Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling!

John 8:36  So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed